How many times have you read or heard the word “polarized” this fall? Most of us don’t need major news headlines to tell us that our opinions and preferences, political or otherwise, are probably very different from the folks in the office next to ours or with us in the checkout lane.
Years ago, as a student preparing for an overseas mission experience, I was introduced to the “Approaching Differences Diagram.” It strikes me it could be helpful to us these days whether we are crossing cultures or the hallway.
Allow me to walk you through these pathways.
Approach. Whenever we enter a situation expecting to experience difference, it’s helpful to pay attention to our “entry posture.” Do we sense an openness, flexibility, and adaptability in ourselves? If so, we are on the green line. If, on the other hand, we notice emotions of fear or suspicion or an attitude of superiority, then we are entering the situation on the red line. Self-awareness at the entry point can serve us well. As can spiritual disciplines like breath prayers, Scripture meditation, and journaling. Poor entry postures can give way to trust and openness as we process our feelings and acknowledge our concerns with Jesus.
The Inevitables. We are going to experience some dissonance when we encounter difference. Perhaps we are misunderstood. We are embarrassed. There is tension in disagreement. How do you react when you find yourself in uncomfortable situations? Honesty in processing with these moments — with Jesus and with others — is important.
Response. Our entry posture influences how we respond, but we have a choice at this point: we can go either way. What will our response be? What kind of coping skills have we developed? A green line response is demonstrated by curiosity and initiation — listening, observing, asking questions. “Would you tell me more about this?” “What has led you to that position/conclusion?” “I think I hear you saying .... Do I have it right?” Red line coping mechanisms evidence themselves in critical comments (even if framed as a question), rationalizing our behavior, or bailing. “You’re so ignorant!” “Where did you come up with an idea like that?!” “I’m an 8 on the enneagram. I can’t help being angry.”
Result. At the end of the path comes the fruit of our responses. Notice the result of green-lining isn’t agreement or adoption or even resolution. There still can be differences of opinion, preferences, and decisions. And it can still feel uncomfortable. It will mean leaning in and continuing to pursue conversation and collaboration and cooperation. It might even mean another cycle in the diagram. However, relationships are preserved — maybe even deepened — rather than harmed or abandoned. And isn’t that what we hope for?
Perhaps an example at this point would be helpful.
Let's imagine: it’s your birthday and a group of friends wants to celebrate you. It feels a bit awkward and you don’t like being the center of attention, but you love them and know they love you so you decide to accept their invitation. As you head to your friend’s home you consciously choose gratitude and openness and ask for God’s help in the moments you may feel uncomfortable. You are entering on the green line.
The evening begins well. Dinner is yummy. Conversation is lively. You even are okay being put on the “hot seat” answering questions about favorite birthdays and best and worst gifts. At some point the friend hosting announces it’s dessert time and how proud she is that — even though it took her hours — she’s made her grandma’s “famous” lattice apple pie and she places it in front of you with a candle burning as a rousing rendition of “Happy Birthday” is sung over you.
Suddenly your gut wrenches and dissonance sets it. You hope the look on your face doesn’t betray what’s running through your head right now: You’ve been friends for how long and she doesn’t know (or remember) that you loathe cooked fruit? Especially apples? It’s your birthday! Why weren’t you asked what YOU would like for a birthday dessert? You feel a mix of irritation, disappointment, frustration, and embarrassment. Plus you have a giant homemade apple pie in front of you with a smiling host handing you a pie server.
At this point, “red-lining” might look like pushing the pie away and saying everything that’s in your head in an ungrateful or spiteful tone of voice. It also might look like passing judgment on these friends and thinking differently about them moving forward. Both will have consequences and undermine relationships.
Hurt feelings and damaged friendships feels too high a price to pay at this point, so you choose to walk the green line. You blow out the candle and ask your friend to tell a story or two about grandma and her pie. The joy on her face and brightness in her speech tell you how proud she is to share something so meaningful to her. You serve up pie to your friends and even yourself, hoping folks don’t notice your slice is a bit smaller, has fewer apples, and an oversized scoop of vanilla ice cream on top!
Clearly, not every difference-encountering situation is resolved so easily. You may face one so awful you will need to devise an exit strategy. Quick. It’s not just dissonance you feel, but lack of safety. There may also be times when you have no reserves. No emotional bandwidth to engage well, so for the benefit of all involved it would be wise to stay quiet or leave. Especially if you sense you are being baited by someone who wants to argue. Give grace to yourself (and others) and do what you need to do. But those situations aside, how might this approach to encountering differences help you? In what upcoming situations might you practice this? Perhaps the next time you head into a contentious faculty meeting you take a deep breath and notice your entry posture. Can you adjust it? Or when you are caught off guard by a nasty comment or unkind gesture at the family holiday party and find yourself in the throes of dissonance, can you make a conscious effort to stay on the greenline?
The New Testament Epistles are full of instruction on how to live as Christ’s redeemed people. Jesus invites us to join him in being peacemakers. It isn’t easy and progress is often slow and hard to see. 2 Peter 1:3 tells us that God has given us all we need for “life and godliness.” This might be one tool you find helpful in the coming days or weeks as you finish out the semester with students and colleagues or gather with friends and family. Let us know how it goes.
Photo by Flat Lay Photos on StockSnap
